DILDO 2: An Otaku’s Girl and How to Score One!!

HOHOHO! Guess what loyal fans… It’s the P-Meister session. This is not a session on how to stuff a dild… uh… let me rephrase: This is not a perverted session. DILDO actually stands for Daily Imperative Lessons for Desperate Otakus. Read the previous DILDO posts to find out more.

The Story Begins

One day an otaku was watching an anime featuring a pretty girl. Suddenly, the P-Meister’s aura come across him and a voice fell from the sky: “See that anime girl? Are you enchanted? Want to find one?”

Well, such cases happen to almost every man during a process called puberty. Puberty starts with P, and thus is one of the P-Meister’s speciality!! The Professional-Meister is here to help anyone who has come across such a phenomenon!(Note that phenomenon also start with P!)

 

Identifying and Defining Key Features

100% of the time, we will not find a girl who has the qualities and looks and physical features of those we admire in animes. Often, lasses in real life have different qualities… We thus have to pick out the right girl for the right otaku right?

 Anyway,

Rule 1: If you don’t find her attractive in any sense, just give up, don’t try to force it

Rule 2: If she is unable to accept the fact that you need anime, then ditch her

 These rules are very basic. Sometimes it takes time for them to accept rule 2. However, if it last more than a month, I think you know what to do. Don’t be a wimp and submit to her, or else she will bully you for the rest of your life.

 

Picture Learning

Let me put up a picture, i’m sure it will help us focus…

Focus you idiot!!… unless you want to spend eternity being single! The arrows are pointing in odd places… hmm… FOCUS!!

Firstly, a girl needs to have a kind heart. A girl’s character is way more important than her looks. In my opinion, as long as you think she’s HOT, that will do, you don’t have to take your friends’ opinions into account. If in doubt, post a link to her picture under comments(so we can get a good laugh)… However, you should set your own standards based on demand. This quality is essential however. They either have it or they don’t. The fact that she is able to date an otaku shows that she isn’t prejudice and would probably be able to show you true love.

Secondly, a girl should be of benefit to you, not in that erotic way, but in terms of thinking… That means she has to have intelligence thats comparable to yours, or else she won’t be able to understand you. She has to be beneficial to your growth and maturity. Its ok if she’s a little less intelligent, but drop the idea if she’s a TARD.

Thirdly, a girl needs to be honest. I wonder why the third arrow pointed to the hips. Perhaps its due to the common question: ‘are you a virgin?’ Does it matter? No it doesn’t, but honesty is the best answer. The reason why a girl would date otakus is because there are tonnes of other jerk guys out there. How would you know if she’s lying to you… thats the hard part… LOVE HER WITH ALL YOUR HEART. If she lied, then she will feel guilty. At this point she may either ditch you or tell you the truth. If she ditches you, treat it as if you didn’t need her at all. If she lies to you more than once… then its definitely over.

Anyway, here is the labelled diagram.

How to score

Now now, don’t be impatient… Scoring a girl needs patience. It also needs skill. The P-Meister will list them in simple words.

In the previous part, I have been writing that a girl needs to do this… a girl should do that… Have you thought of this in another way? The girl also have her wants and her NEEDS. The girl’s NEEDS i will cover in another heading as it is very huge. Its time to turn this around.

 

The Physical Aspect

To be any attractive to a girl, there are two rules:

1) Be good looking enough for her…

2) Accept her personal life, interests etc. It would be good if she is an otaku like you, but if she isn’t, don’t force her…

Anyway… Looking good is quite a problem for otakus. Sigh… I know… its important to watch anime all day and not comb your hair, but you want to date a girl like all the guys in anime do right? So make a sacrifice! Looking good affects your first impression. Also, pretty girls tend to like someone who would at least meet the minimum requirements compared to their package. You wouldn’t play Crysis on a pentium 1 would you?

There are 4 aspects in boys/men that determine physical appeal, 1) hair 2) face 3) body 4) attire.

Firstly and obviously, your hair should not be like a bird nest or the comb of a rooster. Messy hair has its own styles. Go to a hairdresser, not one on the roadside but one that is reputable and get your hair fixed. If she likes terrible hair, then its ok, but currently the number of girls i have seen who like bird nest looking hair is 0. Yes yes… spending all that money will cause you not to buy a figurine, but imagine, you are trading a figurine for a potential real life human plushie. (Anime girls turn me on more… but thats another story.)

In terms of face, less can be done. We all all born with unique faces, so try to use your hair to bring out the beauty of your face. HOWEVER… if your face looks like it’s VOLCANO land, meaning having pimples covering one another and having lava(pus) flowing out, do something about it. Some scars follow you for life!

Thirdly, don’t blame weak body on genetics. Every girl likes a hunky boy. Not all… but you stand better chances than being a couch potato. There’s many things u can do. My favourite is to buy a thread mill and a heavy sword… watch a fighting anime and start running… You can replace the heavy sword with a broom if you are out of cash.

Finally, on to attire, I’ll cut it short. Dressing up is important in maintaining your pride and status. It also makes you look more reliable. Girls like reliable men. Spectacles are good too… If you’re bespectacled, get a set of good looking glasses. Don’t do contacts, its for wusses. Once you’re done with this, its time to sharpen ur mind… It is not up to me what you want to wear, but wearing wierd attire in the wrong weather conditions makes you look wierd. Its ok to wear anime like clothing, but in the right weather at the right time.

 

The Mental Aspect

I won’t say much… its the same as what you expect from her. Here’s a picture. I’m sure men who watch anime are all like that.

WE ALL KNOW WHY TRUTHFULNESS IS PUT THERE!!

 

Don’t find a girl…

HOHOHO… now that you have met the requirements, its time to find a girl right? No… Relationships don’t work this way. It doesn’t work like hide and seek. One day in your life, you will find a girl who will make your heart beat(OMG! No! not your sister…!)! They will come. The population of women is greater than that of men, thus its easier for a boy to wait for a girl than a girl to wait for a boy. Basically, they will come. Try not to be desperate. Remember my comment on jerk guys, girls who have learnt a hard lesson are more worth dating.

When you finally see one… take the time to get to know her first. She may not fit into the requirements above. Don’t jump into a relationship until you are really sure. Also, do not give up easily. It takes time for girls to realise that otakus are the best. Well if you are already in a relationship, then you’ll learn about her NEEDS. Their NEEDS are HUGE…

 

NEEDS of a Girl

Gucci bags that cost several figurines are a shortcut to heaven, its like typing a password in certain dating sims to reach the rewards… kekeke… There is more than passwords, the passwords are, HOUSE, CAR AND CREDIT CARD.

However, as proud otakus, we should not use such lame cheats and sacrifice our daily needs of anime and games merchandises. Buying flowers for her once a month will get her to not bother you during your happy hour.(Happy Hour means watching anime! What were you thinking!?) Also, small actions like carrying her bag and giving her a ride on your back are cool romantic actions every manly otaku should do!!

Next, you will have to understand the meaning of PMS. The P part is the P-Meister’s speciality. Basically, P is a wonderful word most of the time… but in this case… P can mean PRE, POST, PRESENT. P-Menstrual Stress, MEH, get used to it!

 Lastly, remember that dating sim you played where you had to remember all the dates? Well… if you don’t play dating sims, its time to start… Dates are important. Remember your first kiss, and even when you first hold hands. Remember to buy flowers on these dates. To make things simple, do everything on the same day in the year. Thats what I did for mine.

 

GOOD LUCK

Please make sure your pet digimon(the one that resides in your pants) stays unevolved at all times. If it decides to become larger, you may be in trouble. Try stapling it down. If it doesn’t work, nails may do the trick. FINAL WARNING: MAKE SURE THEY HAVE NO BOYFRIENDS AROUND, OR YOU MAY BE PERSECUTED LIKE THE PICTURE BELOW…

 HOHOHO!!! Have fun! If you get slapped, please feedback in the comments section so we can have a good laugh… I’m sorry ladies that I did not post something for you but I am sure you had a little fun reading about guy otakus. However, if you are not satisfied, I do give private tuition for the girls. Send me your contact details or email so we can engage in exciting activities. ANYWAY… *cough*… Thank you very much, I hope you enjoyed this session.

Unimportant Side notes: HOHOHO is banned in Aussie just before last year’s Christmas. This was because HO was a slang that meant whore. This ban led to more people knowing its meaning, thus having a reverse effect. This ban was lifted just before christmas started. Still, its better than HAW HAW HAW… which sounds more like whore whore whore.